naked

I think I’m the worst at keeping a blog.  Initially, I told myself I would post every Monday.  Im pretty sure that’s only happened twice.  Oops, but hey, I have to give myself some credit.  I’ve only missed ONE week.  Blogging with an infant is no easy task so I’m pretty proud of myself.  Some days what I want to write about just flows out of me and the words come easy.  Other days I know what I’m feeling, and I know I could write about but I don’t.  I don’t because I don’t want to deal with the aftermath in my personal life.  Then there are days where I don’t know how in the hell to sort my thoughts enough to actually get them out.  This is one of those days.  I’ll try anyway.  My baby is going to be one month on Friday.  She’s developing her little personality more and more each day.  It’s been wonderful.  It’s been trying, exhausting, exciting, and WONDERFUL.

The other day I walked by a mirror.  I’m down 30 pounds, and I am actually smaller than when I got pregnant.  That doesn’t mean however, that I’m in shape.  So I walked by the mirror, right?  I smiled.  I liked what I saw.  My clothes were a little too big, my hair was thrown up on top of my head, I had some dried spit up on my side, and there was a stain on my shirt from my boobs leaking sometime in the night.  I still smiled.  So that night I got brave.  I went back to the same mirror, and I stood in front of it naked.  I don’t know what made me do this.  Well, now I see skin that isn’t as tight, I see a scar, and I see some stretch marks.  I thought I would have to tell myself “the marks will fade, and your skin will tighten. It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine” but I didn’t.  I still smiled.  I think I actually sighed with relief once I realized that I still loved my body.  Then I smiled bigger because I realized that I love my body MORE now.  Why was I scared of this?  I want to encourage all of you to try it.  Let it be a freeing experience.  It’s just flesh and bone right?  Not who you are, really.  I think part of the reason I wanted to do this was because as of lately, my family has been….well, I don’t want to say “pushing” me.. we’ll say “nudging” me to move on.  Not that they want me going out looking for anyone, just that if opportunity knocks they want me to answer.  I totally get where they are coming from.  Can’t say I’m not terrified, but I get it.  Anyway, I’m a firm believer that you can’t fully love anyone if you don’t love yourself first.  So there I was naked and ridiculously happy in knowing that I do love myself.  And now after having a baby not only do I love myself, but I have hella respect for myself.  So seriously I think you guys should try it.  I don’t care if you just had a baby, had one 15 years ago, aren’t even a mom, or if you’re a dude.  DO IT.  Fall in love with yourself.  It feels really, really good.

xo.

*this week’s images are by Sarah Kearns of Sarah Elizabeth photography!  She is AMAZING if ya didn’t already know!  I appreciate her so much, and I will cherish these photos forever!

are all moms as sweaty as me?

Sometimes it’s really hard to commit to this blog.  I love when you guys come up to me in the store and tell me you read it every week, but just know that sometimes it’s hard for me.  It’s hard to make myself sit down and write about the things I’m trying to not even think about.  I do though because I find that after I get it all out there I can literally feel that weight being lifted.

I’ve been up and down lately.  Which is normal I think, considering all the wonky things my hormones are doing at the moment.  I’ve listened to countless people give me their opinions and advice.  I’ve been living life as normal as I can.  I still have days where I just want to sit and cry.  Sometimes it’s because of the obvious…I’m a single mom, and it’s hard as fuck.  Saying that still shocks me.  It still shakes me to my core and scares the shit out of me.  Other times I cry because my kid didn’t poop all day, and I think I did something wrong.  Then she finally poops, and I realize I’m a nutcase.  I went to a baby shower this week, and I kept having to take breaks from doing my hair to stand in front of the air and cool off.  By the time I got there I was so sweaty and tired I don’t know why I bothered to get ready.  I was so overwhelmed that I had to let a few tears slip.  Today I feel stronger.  Being around the right people can do that to you.  Surround yourself with the people who don’t care how sweaty you get just from trying to load a carseat by yourself.  Do it, and I swear you are one step closer to a better day.

I also feel the need to share that this is probably my shortest blog post yet, and it has taken over three hours to finish because a fussy baby has had my full attention.  She is currently zonked out on my lap as I try my hardest to type quietly.  I am already noticing changes in her.  Why do babies have to grow so quickly?  I am trying desperately to memorize everything.  That peach fuzz hair on top of her head, and the way her legs curl up like she’s still inside me.  Fussiness or not, sweatiness or not, I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world.

 

 

goodbye modesty, hello motherhood

Maybe it’s the countless times you just spread your legs so another nurse can check your cervix.  Maybe it’s the multiple times you whip your boobs out to feed a tiny mouth even if the room is full of people, or even if a nurse is pulling on your boob trying to show you the correct way.  Maybe it’s the backless hospital gowns.  Either way, any modesty I possessed has temporarily left the building.  I realized this as I was casually hooked up to my breast pump on my couch in front of my dad.  I feel like some of you amazing, powerful women do a perfect swan dive into motherhood.  From an amazing birth right into being an amazing mom.  As for me, I feel like I sort belly flopped into it.  I’m still learning, but I’m getting there.  One thing I know for sure is everything is different.  Everything. All of it.  My entire life has lead me to this.  My world had completely shifted on it’s axis as I looked at this little 7 pound, 14 ounce miracle.  I used to be so angry.  I asked God “Why me? Why did bad things happen to me?”  Then I remember thinking that things played out the way they did because I found love.  I thought I found my forever.  Now I know that it wasn’t even love compared to this.  Now I ask God, “Why me?  Why am I considered worthy to be her momma?”  Every road that has never made sense before finally makes sense to me now. This is my soul purpose.  This is my forever.  I finally know what real love is because of her.  How beautiful is that?  Every choice, every mistake, every bump and pot hole along the way… It was all to get me here. Holding this little girl.

I have told many of you I would blog about my birth experience.  Just remember… You guys asked for it.  I had a normal OB check up, and after my blood pressure was consecutively high my doctor decided to induce me.  There’s something so nerve wracking about KNOWING it’s going to happen.  I went home to make sure I had everything I needed, and I ended up just sitting there in shock.  Holy shit, I’m having baby.  I made it to the hospital where I posted this photo

Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset

So many of you sweet, sweet souls complimented how good I looked for someone about to have a baby.  You guys are the ones who inspired me to be totally open about the rest.  I did NOT look like that photo while giving birth, after I gave birth, or the days afterwards.  I documented it just for you!  Also, I didn’t want anyone feeling like I thought make up or having your hair a certain way when you’re having a baby is ANY indication that you’re going to be a better mom than anyone else.  I braided my hair bc I felt like a warrior.  The make up was just me  killing time while waiting for the contractions to start!  …..and boy did they start…. I’m basically going to give you guys the short version.  The contractions were hard, long, and back to back.  Typical I think?  I made it until I was dilated to a five before asking for an epidural.  I wasn’t “for” or “against” an epidural at all.  I went in very open minded.  Plus at this point, the thought of not feeling anything when a nurse had her fingers shoved up there sounded okay to me.  I got the magical drugs, and I stopped dilating.  Avery had her first poop while she was still inside me- so that’s when things got sketchy.  My doctor explained that we needed to do an emergency c section.  I’m very optimistic and open minded, but this crushed me.  I cried and balled.  This wasn’t what I wanted, and again I thought  “Why God?!”  Finally, I just sucked it up.  I wanted my girl to be healthy, and if this was the way it had to be then so be it.  Now things get more sketchy for me.  About 30 minutes before I go back for surgery I start having intense pain at the top of my spine, bottom of my neck.  Pain so bad I’m shaking and crying and begging anyone to make it stop.  I was just wheeled back for surgery and told it would all be okay.  So the surgery begins and they get Avery out.  I can’t see anything except my moms face which looks pale and terrified.  I’m begging her to tell me what’s wrong, and I learn the cord was very tightly wrapped around my daughters neck and she was a gray/blue color.  After what felt like an eternity, all the pain, worry, and fear just came to a halt as I heard the most beautiful cry come from behind this big blue sheet.  She was okay.  I still couldn’t see anything while she was getting cleaned up, but I was FEELING everything they were doing to me.  My epidural apparently ended about halfway down my stomach so I’m screaming that I can feel everything, and the anesthesiologist gives me more drugs.  I’m about to pass out, and I haven’t even met my daughter!

Finally she was brought over to me.  That moment was so surreal.  I made this tiny human.  She is only minutes old, and I’ve never loved anyone more.  The fact that she stopped crying when she heard my voice caused this intense ache in my heart, and I knew in that moment that every choice I ever made was absolutely right.  Every road, every mistake, it was all right.

We’ve been home about a week now, and while it’s been so exhausting, it has been the most wonderful week of my life.  Sometime during labor I pulled my back all out of place.  I can’t even tell you how sad it is as a new mom to not be able to hold your baby without immense pain.  Also, I am not someone who asks for help.  I don’t like asking for favors or feeling like I’m putting people out.  That first night home I was stubborn and did it all myself.  Up all night, doing it all.  Want to know where I ended up? Sitting on the edge of my bed at 5:30 am, balling my eyes out, feeling like a failure.  My mom happened to walk by at the same time and immediately called out of work.  That’s when I started to see that it’s okay to ask for help.  So after two trips to the chiropractor, my wonderful massage therapist cousin making a house call, and another trip back to the hospital.  I am trying to take it easy and rest and accept help from the people who want to give it.  I’m considering this my first lesson in motherhood.  Please enjoy the following photos, and remember that I wore the giant mesh underwear and adult diaper sized pad just like the rest of you!

DSC_0011_2DSC_0006DSC_0029_2

Processed with VSCOcam with c1 presetProcessed with VSCOcam with b1 presetProcessed with VSCOcam with c1 presetDSC_0039

DSC_0064DSC_0066DSC_0068Processed with VSCOcam with c1 presetDSC_0165Processed with VSCOcam with b1 presetProcessed with VSCOcam with b1 presetProcessed with VSCOcam with b1 presetIMG_0769Processed with VSCOcam with c1 presetProcessed with VSCOcam with b1 presetIMG_6115DSC_0170Processed with VSCOcam with f2 presetProcessed with VSCOcam with c1 presetProcessed with VSCOcam with c1 preset