Maybe it’s the countless times you just spread your legs so another nurse can check your cervix. Maybe it’s the multiple times you whip your boobs out to feed a tiny mouth even if the room is full of people, or even if a nurse is pulling on your boob trying to show you the correct way. Maybe it’s the backless hospital gowns. Either way, any modesty I possessed has temporarily left the building. I realized this as I was casually hooked up to my breast pump on my couch in front of my dad. I feel like some of you amazing, powerful women do a perfect swan dive into motherhood. From an amazing birth right into being an amazing mom. As for me, I feel like I sort belly flopped into it. I’m still learning, but I’m getting there. One thing I know for sure is everything is different. Everything. All of it. My entire life has lead me to this. My world had completely shifted on it’s axis as I looked at this little 7 pound, 14 ounce miracle. I used to be so angry. I asked God “Why me? Why did bad things happen to me?” Then I remember thinking that things played out the way they did because I found love. I thought I found my forever. Now I know that it wasn’t even love compared to this. Now I ask God, “Why me? Why am I considered worthy to be her momma?” Every road that has never made sense before finally makes sense to me now. This is my soul purpose. This is my forever. I finally know what real love is because of her. How beautiful is that? Every choice, every mistake, every bump and pot hole along the way… It was all to get me here. Holding this little girl.
I have told many of you I would blog about my birth experience. Just remember… You guys asked for it. I had a normal OB check up, and after my blood pressure was consecutively high my doctor decided to induce me. There’s something so nerve wracking about KNOWING it’s going to happen. I went home to make sure I had everything I needed, and I ended up just sitting there in shock. Holy shit, I’m having baby. I made it to the hospital where I posted this photo
So many of you sweet, sweet souls complimented how good I looked for someone about to have a baby. You guys are the ones who inspired me to be totally open about the rest. I did NOT look like that photo while giving birth, after I gave birth, or the days afterwards. I documented it just for you! Also, I didn’t want anyone feeling like I thought make up or having your hair a certain way when you’re having a baby is ANY indication that you’re going to be a better mom than anyone else. I braided my hair bc I felt like a warrior. The make up was just me killing time while waiting for the contractions to start! …..and boy did they start…. I’m basically going to give you guys the short version. The contractions were hard, long, and back to back. Typical I think? I made it until I was dilated to a five before asking for an epidural. I wasn’t “for” or “against” an epidural at all. I went in very open minded. Plus at this point, the thought of not feeling anything when a nurse had her fingers shoved up there sounded okay to me. I got the magical drugs, and I stopped dilating. Avery had her first poop while she was still inside me- so that’s when things got sketchy. My doctor explained that we needed to do an emergency c section. I’m very optimistic and open minded, but this crushed me. I cried and balled. This wasn’t what I wanted, and again I thought “Why God?!” Finally, I just sucked it up. I wanted my girl to be healthy, and if this was the way it had to be then so be it. Now things get more sketchy for me. About 30 minutes before I go back for surgery I start having intense pain at the top of my spine, bottom of my neck. Pain so bad I’m shaking and crying and begging anyone to make it stop. I was just wheeled back for surgery and told it would all be okay. So the surgery begins and they get Avery out. I can’t see anything except my moms face which looks pale and terrified. I’m begging her to tell me what’s wrong, and I learn the cord was very tightly wrapped around my daughters neck and she was a gray/blue color. After what felt like an eternity, all the pain, worry, and fear just came to a halt as I heard the most beautiful cry come from behind this big blue sheet. She was okay. I still couldn’t see anything while she was getting cleaned up, but I was FEELING everything they were doing to me. My epidural apparently ended about halfway down my stomach so I’m screaming that I can feel everything, and the anesthesiologist gives me more drugs. I’m about to pass out, and I haven’t even met my daughter!
Finally she was brought over to me. That moment was so surreal. I made this tiny human. She is only minutes old, and I’ve never loved anyone more. The fact that she stopped crying when she heard my voice caused this intense ache in my heart, and I knew in that moment that every choice I ever made was absolutely right. Every road, every mistake, it was all right.
We’ve been home about a week now, and while it’s been so exhausting, it has been the most wonderful week of my life. Sometime during labor I pulled my back all out of place. I can’t even tell you how sad it is as a new mom to not be able to hold your baby without immense pain. Also, I am not someone who asks for help. I don’t like asking for favors or feeling like I’m putting people out. That first night home I was stubborn and did it all myself. Up all night, doing it all. Want to know where I ended up? Sitting on the edge of my bed at 5:30 am, balling my eyes out, feeling like a failure. My mom happened to walk by at the same time and immediately called out of work. That’s when I started to see that it’s okay to ask for help. So after two trips to the chiropractor, my wonderful massage therapist cousin making a house call, and another trip back to the hospital. I am trying to take it easy and rest and accept help from the people who want to give it. I’m considering this my first lesson in motherhood. Please enjoy the following photos, and remember that I wore the giant mesh underwear and adult diaper sized pad just like the rest of you!