fathers be good to your daughters

I’m trying to remember the last time I cried. I’m very grateful that I can’t remember, but today that streak is broken.  I’m home alone, waiting for my family to get home from the river so we can join the rest of my family for some Father’s day festivities.  So I’m going through photo albums and thinking about my dad, and I can’t stop crying.  Lord I’m so pregnant.

I’m lucky that my dad is still here with me. I’m so lucky to be able to still be annoyed by him daily.  He’s had too many health scares for me to name, and I’m pretty sure he just thinks he’s invincible.  I remember when I thought so too.  I remember a counselor came and got me out of class in the sixth grade to tell me my dad had a heart attack. She wanted to know if I needed to talk, but I thought she was literally crazy and talking to the wrong person.  Nothing’s wrong with my dad, he barely even gets sick.  It wasn’t until I saw him in the hospital gown that I realized my dad was human like the rest of us.

I think every guy wants a son at some point. My dad is no exception.  Not only did he not have a son, he got two bonus “daughters” in my Aunt Crystal and her best friend April. They lived with us for their high school years.  He’s always had a house full.  Although I have no doubt he would have been a great dad to a little boy, he was pretty perfect for us girls.

My dad has driven us to dance competitions, he has watched my sister and I cheer since middle school, he’s bought barbies, and dolls, then cell phones and our first cars.  He’s paid for prom dresses and wedding gowns.  He has always just been there, this sturdy rock for our family.  When things were tough and money was tight, Shelbi and I pretty much remained unaware. He takes a lot on his shoulders so we don’t have to.

My dad walked me down the aisle at my wedding, and he sat next to me at the lawyer’s office when that happily ever after turned dark.  He’s been to ultrasounds and built my daughter a nursery when it wasn’t his job to do so.

I only just realized that I took all this for granted. By “all this” I mean my family…the fact that I didn’t grow up in a broken home.  Sure, I had tons of friends with divorced parents, and to be honest I never gave it much thought at all.  Why would I?  I couldn’t relate.  It wasn’t until a couple weeks ago that I was having dinner with one of my best friends, and she told me something that really pulled at my heart.  She said that she remembers feeling jealous coming to my house when we were younger.  Not jealous in a bad way, really.  She just said that she never lived in the same house with her dad.  She never had her family all together, living under one roof.  She said she would come to my house, and my family seemed so normal.  I didn’t tell her this, but at that moment I could have burst into tears because my daughter will know that feeling.  She will never live with her dad and I under the same roof, or know what it’s like.  My heart hurts thinking that I can’t relate to her in that way, I won’t know how that feels for her.  I can be here for her, but I don’t know exactly how I’m going to answer her questions when she finally asks them.  I won’t know because my family is a unit. We are a hot ass mess sometimes, but we never quit on each other.  For that, I’m so so so grateful.  So I’ll do my best to explain anything to her, knowing I have the support of a wonderful family.

Thanks dad, for being everything I needed when you didn’t have to.  Thank you for choosing us and loving us and keeping us together.  Thank you for putting our happiness above your own, countless times.  Thanks for sticking around and putting up with us even when we were little assholes.  I know Avery will look up to you, and she will see what I see.  A great guy, who loves his family and would do anything for us.

Happy Father’s Day.

xo.

where is the love?

*Insert long, dramatic sigh..*  I have really been putting off posting this week.  I honestly just told myself, screw it, I’m not writing this week.  Partly because I’m in the finish line of this pregnancy, and I have a ton going on.  By “a ton” I mean picking out granny panties for after I give birth (shoutout to the random lady in Walmart for helping me.  I can make friends anywhere!).  I’ve also been getting all my photo sessions fully culled, edited, and products delivered so I don’t have to worry about it after Avery is absorbing all my time.  I’m on maternity leave from Maurices, and I’m bored!  I guess not bored enough to sit down and write a blog though, apparently.  Okay, honestly I haven’t written because it’s been such an incredibly sad week for this country.  I didn’t want my words to just get mixed in with everyone’s.  A talented artist was shot and killed, 50 people are dead from a mass shooting, and a baby is killed by an alligator?!  Jesus, prayers to the state of Florida right now.  I’m not going to sit here and tell you my belief on gun laws, or homosexuality.  Why would that matter to you?  We all believe what we believe, end of story.

I want to meet my daughter.  I can’t wait to just hold her, snuggle her, feel how soft her skin is, and smell that sweet smell that only a newborn has.  Trust me, I’m anxious.  At the same time though, this world she is about to enter is cruel and disgusting.  So so so much hatred.  Part of me just wants Avery to stay safely tucked inside my tummy where nothing bad can touch her.  People are dying.  Convicted rapists are getting SIX FUCKING MONTHS in jail.  I guess I’m struggling lately with feeling kind of lost.  I hope it comes natural to me, but right now I have no clue how to raise a little girl in a world like this.  I want her to be smart, use her brain, and form her own opinions.  I hope the she makes those opinions with an open mind and a gentle heart, but isn’t that what’s scary?  To me it seems the open minded people are considered weak when really we are the tough ones.  Racists, homophobes, terrorists…do you know what they all have in common?  Fear.  Think about that one.

I don’t know you guys, I guess I’m just worried.  There is hate everywhere.  A little boy falls into a gorilla pit.  People hate the mother of the little boy.  They hate the zoo.  There’s a mass shooting.  People hate guns, people hate the people who hate guns.  People suddenly hate muslims, people hate the people who hate muslims.  People hate the homosexuals, people hate the homophobes.  People hate Obama, and they hate people who support him.  They hate Trump, and his followers.  People hate Hilary, and they hate you if you support her.  People hate abortion.  People hate feminism.  They hate anything they don’t believe in.  Fuck it’s never ending.  I don’t suspect this will change any time soon.  I won’t sit here and tell you what you should believe, but I will say that we shouldn’t hate one another for believing differently.

Right now, I hate that there isn’t more love.  Shit do I sound like a hippy?  Everyone needs to place blame.  They need to blame someone or something to make things make sense and to feel safe.  I get that, and sometimes we are right to place the blame.  You rape someone, you go to jail.  What does the rapist do though?  Blame the alcohol.  Blame the victim.

Is anything I’m rambling about making sense?  Maybe it doesn’t need to.  These are just my thoughts on why I’m scared to raise a good kid in a bad world.  I think it starts with me though, I want Avery to learn about being kind from me.  I want her to see being open minded and loving everyone will get you hurt from time to time, but that it’s still the right thing.  I want her to know that forgiveness is necessary, not for the other person but for herself.  It takes time sometimes, but doing the right thing will always get her places.

I guess I’m done rambling for the evening.  Homophobes, stop reading this now…..

as the wise, funny, and remarkable Ellen Degeneres says, “Be kind to one another”.

xo.

 

 

 

my big fat pregnant night out

It’s funny that me “going out” is something I feel like blogging about.  This used to be me….Every weekend, where’s the party?  Why not though?  I’m young, and I liked a good time!  Getting pregnant obviously changes things.  No, I don’t enjoy going out the same way I used to right now.  I’m not saying you won’t see me out at all after baby girl gets here, (momma needs a winery trip in a bad way) but I know that those BIG party days are behind me.  I’m completely fine with this.  I mean, I spent Friday night having dinner with my family and taking a bubble bath with my six month old niece.  It was a perfect evening in my opinion.  Saturday though, I had plans that required me to leave the comfort of my home. Shocking right?

Kelsey, my wonderful boss at Maurices is getting married next weekend so a couple girls I work with and I wanted to take her out!  Let me start by saying I had to make sure I took a nap before I even started this adventure, which is hilarious to me.  I do my hair and make up and put on this new top I just bought.  *gasp* I even wore heels!  Before I even leave my sister jokes that I don’t even look pregnant because the top I’m wearing is so flowy.  I gave her a little hair flip and tell her that yeah I’m basically a goddess, and I roll out.  So I go pick up Brittany, another girl I work with, and here’s where things get fun.  I have a huge six foot inflatable penis.  This thing has been to a few bachelorette parties before.  It has even survived my sisters bachelorette float trip… A six foot blow up dick floating down Black River… Can you imagine?!  So I’m forcing her to blow it up on our way to meet up with the girls.  Poor Britt is in literal pain from blowing it up, and she had to move her seat back and recline it to even get the giant thing to blow up all the way.  We are passing all these vehicles, and of course they are all staring like we are insane.  Meanwhile we’re just dying laughing.  I was literally driving down 67 with blown up testicles in my face.  We get to our first destination, and I watch as they do shots and order drinks.  Kels gets a few embarrassing gifts, and we laugh our asses off just telling stories and eating cupcakes.  Our drinks all have funny labels, and they find it humorous to give my pregnant ass the one that says “virgin”…but whatever I’m a good sport, and I sip my Dr Pepper out of my penis straw like a boss.  We stick around for awhile before we decide to head to our next destination.  Two of these bitches just bring their pitchers of sangrias with them, so this is just a shit show waiting to happen!

We get to the next place, and it’s pretty low key. There’s literally like four older people and a big group of guys.  Come to find out, the guys are from St Louis, and for some reason none of us understood they came down here for their friends bachelor party.  It took maybe five minutes before a few of them were over at our table.  Here’s what’s hilarious okay….. Kels is the bachelorette (unavailable), Kacee was sitting there with her girlfriend Chels (unavailable), Britt has a boyfriend (unavailable), and I’m nine months pregnant (uninterested) and these poor drunk guys don’t even notice.  We were all dying laughing about this, and I think the guys thought we found them funny.  Sorry bro.  One of them was standing close to Chels, and she literally gives him a little push, as in “dude get out of my space”.. Another one starts bragging to me that they’re doctors, and I swear I almost stuck out my stomach and said “GREAT so if I go into labor, you can help right?!”  How do these guys not realize I’m pregnant?!  Eventually they get the hint that we aren’t interested, and they go away.  There’s a super talented guy playing guitar and singing, and I wish I knew his name, but I honestly have no clue.  He’s asking us what we wanted to hear and playing suggestions from the crowd.  He didn’t know how to play “my neck, my back”….. I asked.  The giant penis was a huge hit here as well.  It was a little strange how many grown men had it on the dance floor. What is it about a big blown up wiener that makes people act a fool?

At one point I just sat there and was kind of in shock at how much I have changed as a person.  This place used to be my stomping grounds.  Even though I was sitting here having fun, it was a different kind of fun I was having.  I wasn’t worried about how I was getting home, how much money I was wasting on alcohol, or how I was going to feel the next day.  I was having fun, being myself, and I just felt happy.  I left a little before midnight, and ate a bowl of cookie crisps in bed.  No one was upset about my departure or made a big deal about it.  I appreciated that more than anything.

I am honestly proud of this woman I’m becoming.  I’m content and just relaxed.  I feel like I’m really settling into the role of being someone’s mother.  As scary as that is, I just feel like myself.  I’m still the fun, adventure loving girl I always have been. So many people are too insecure to be alone, and it’s honestly one of my favorite traits about myself.  I don’t need the constant attention from the opposite sex to feel like I’m worth a shit because I know what I’m worth.  Simple as that.

Motherhood will be the coolest adventure I get to go on, and I’m pretty thankful I have friends around me that love and support the real me.  Friends who don’t get mad when I want to leave because I want to eat cereal in bed.  Friends who carry around a six foot penis with no shame at all, are the friends for me!  It’s called balance…Is it weird for me to advise you guys to find penis toting friends who let you leave the party early?  Oh well!  The point is, surround yourself with people who love the real you!  My heart is happier for it.

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avery’s space

Well I am 30 days from my due date.  I have finally packed my hospital bag, put away all Avery’s clothes, and I go on maternity leave in 10 days.  Technically I’m ready to go, but my brain hasn’t caught up yet.  Today I met with a breastfeeding counselor, and I think I’m more nervous about being able to breastfeed than actually pushing a child out of my privates.  I’m pretty determined which has to help right?  I just really want to succeed at this.  Please don’t think I have anything at all against moms who don’t or can’t breastfeed.  That’s ridiculous.  If your baby has a full tummy, you’re doing a kickass job!  Speaking of kickass… You guys, my nursery turned out better than I imagined!  I still can’t believe Avery’s room is the same room I grew up in.  I became who I am in this room.  I threw tantrums in this room.  I cried over my very first heartbreak in this room.  I wrote about boys in a diary in here.  Shit, I lived in here with my ex husband while we were house hunting once.  After my divorce the room held so many memories that I couldn’t even go in let alone sleep in there, so I took the room connected to it since my sister was moved out and married.  Now not only do I not feel hurt or anger or really anything negative about the room, I love it and I want to just be in it constantly.  I can’t wait to watch Avery grow, and I’m so thankful she has a place of her own.

So when I found out I was pregnant with a girl I knew I wasn’t going to do your basic “pink” nursery. No princess stuff, or anything like that.  I didn’t want her room to look like a Babies R Us ad.  No thanks dude.  Not for me.  Instead I opted for a super fun, eclectic room. I wanted bold colors everywhere and mixed patterns that don’t really make sense but in here they do.  I wanted her to have a room that could easily grow with her.  I wanted to use the bright colors and really stimulate her brain.  Her dad and I are both extremely artist and more free spirited kind of people so I’m going to assume she will be too!  I think this space is fit for a creative little girl with a beautiful soul.  I hope to add things to it as she grows and watch her come to know herself in this room just like I did.  Shoutout to my amazing family and friends also!  My dad put down new floors, built bookshelves, and he and my mom painted everything.  Thank you to my uncle Jake and cousin Hailey, for meeting up with a stranger on Craigslist to get me this nursery chair!  Brett and Cassie, you guys are wonderful!  Brett gave me the dresser (it turned out amazing), and he and Cassie helped move it into the room!  They also helped me shop for a month straight finding perfect pieces for the room!  Roxanne, thanks for the nightstand and for sanding the dresser, I love you dearly!  And Katie and Derek who gave me their little Emma’s crib.  You guys mean the world to me!

Seriously, just the support I have around me warms my heart like you can’t imagine.  You all have healed me, and I feel truly blessed to know such amazing people.  Now all this room needs is Avery!

xo.