News first right?? Welllllllllll, Friday I turned 32 weeks. So I thought anyway… Turns out after an ultrasound that I’m measuring closer to 35 weeks, and my baby girl is already almost 6 pounds! I about had an anxiety attack in front of the ultrasound tech! I’m picturing a huge ten pound baby, which is fine if she’s healthy, but rest in peace to my vagina because ouch. After the appointment my parents and I went to Lowes and got flooring for her room and my brain was in overdrive. I’m thinking about everything that still needs to be done and wondering just how soon this little gal is going to actually be here.
Suddenly my heart just starts beating so fast and hard as I realize… Oh my god. I’m ready to be a mom… I am ready. No, her nursery isn’t ready but I am. I’m ready to put another person before my own wants and needs. I’m ready for sleepless nights and complete exhaustion. Im ready to kiss boo boos and wipe tears. I’m ready to wear spit up like a badge of honor. I’m ready for this baby. I’m ready to meet her. It’s so terrifying… Knowing my life is about to change. People have said I am about to know joy that I can’t imagine and I believe them. It’s just a hard thing to grasp when she is just squirming inside me. I am ready to hold this little girl who has my blood running through her veins.
Lately I’ve been thinking about all of the things I want to instill in my daughter. I’ve really been reflecting on my own childhood.
When I was eight years old I remember swinging on my grandma’s porch swing. We sat out there and sang to each other all the time. She usually changed the words in songs so my name was in them. One of her favorites went…
“I love little baby ducks
Old pick up trucks
Slow movin trains, and rain
And I love Bailey too”
She did this for all of her grandkids and still does.
On this day we were swinging and I was singing LeAnn Rimes to her. I told her I was going to move to Nashville and be a country star. Her response was, “you should baby.. Just don’t forget about your grandma when you get famous.” I know now that neither one of us realized how important that moment was. She just believed in me. She completely believed I could do whatever I wanted, so at that very moment so did I. I obviously don’t have a music career, but that’s not really the point. Instilled in me, is the belief that I can do anything.
I’m trying to remember the age I stopped asking my mom to tuck me in for bed. She did it every night, and I can’t remember for the life of me when I stopped feeling like I needed her to. Every night I crawled into bed and yelled for her. She tucked the covers around me, and some nights she would sing,
“You are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you make me happy
when skies are gray
you’ll never know dear
how much I love you
so please don’t take my sunshine away”
My favorite part of this little ritual we shared was some nights she would let me choose which music style she would sing the song in. Country, rock, or opera it didn’t matter I would choose, and she would sing it that way. I would laugh my ass off. No matter how she sang it I fell asleep with a smile.
Perhaps the only time my ability to sing on key will come in handy is when I’m singing those same words to my girl, but I hope that instilled in her is the knowledge that I will always tuck her in if she wants me to. I will always be a place of comfort for her to run to when the world gets to be too much. I hope she knows that she IS the sunshine in my day, and my love for her is never ending. I can’t wait to give her the memories she will look back on one day!