keep going

I have been told countless times how “strong” I am.  It’s a wonderful compliment, and I’m glad that’s how so many people see me.  I can’t lie to you guys though, I don’t feel “strong” at all.  What is “strong” anyway?  Is it the way we handle our situations?  Is it simply not giving up?  I don’t know.


I think about this all the time.  I think all of you are strong.  I know beautiful souls who have fought and are fighting life threatening diseases.  YOU are strong.  I know families of some of those beautiful souls who have lost that person.  YOU are strong.  Single mommas, single dads. Y’all are strong!  The wonderfully blessed family, who are happy and together and just welcomed a new addition….you are strong.  People are overcoming or have overcame addictions.  Somewhere a teenage girl is going through her very first break up.  There are men and women fighting overseas and some won’t be coming home alive.  Strength is measured a number of ways.

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I don’t think you have to be going through a shitty situation like mine to be considered “strong” or “brave”.  It takes on many forms.  Sometimes it’s simply locking yourself in the bathroom for a good cry because your boss snapped at you, and you came home to a messy house where your kids refused to eat what you just made for dinner.  Take five minutes, cry it out, but remember that you are strong.  We all have it inside of us.  It takes strength to do the right thing even when it’s not what we want to do.

Sometimes when people tell me that I am so strong, I want to laugh because I feel like they are only thinking; “Wow you got divorced after a 6 year relationship, only to find love again, get pregnant and then get dumped again..while pregnant.  What a shitty hand you were dealt.”  Maybe I have this strength because of all that.  Maybe I’m an asshole for assuming you guys think that way when you are only trying to give me a compliment.  I guess going through that stuff does make me a stronger person, but damn just because I can handle heartbreak doesn’t mean I deserve it.  I like to think this is all just molding me into who I am meant to be.

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One thing I will always have though, is a beautiful outlook on life.  It does take strength to stay optimistic.  So a couple guys walked away.  Okay.  Big deal.  Listen, if we define ourselves or our self worth by other people we will live unhappily for the rest of our days.  We get ONE LIFE.  ONE.  I want to believe my “happily ever after” will happen eventually.  Of course I want that, but in the meantime you better believe I am going to love the life I am living.  I am hopeful about the future and all it holds, and I am excited about the present too.  Find what makes you happy and spend a lot of time there.  It sounds so cheesy to say “find your happy place” but do it.  Whatever your “happy place” may be, make sure it’s healthy and that it is making you a happier and better person.

Look around, we are all struggling with something.  We are also all stronger than we feel.  It’s as simple as that.  You are strong, even when you don’t feel like it, you are.

“I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.”

 

xo.

mean girls turn into bitter women

 

 

We all know by now, girls are mean.  No matter the age, girls are just plain mean to one another.  It never really ends, whether you are 15 and not carrying a Michael Kors bag, 25 and not married yet, or 45 and having marital problems.  You’ll get talked about.  Age doesn’t matter.  Little girls, teenage girls, and grown ass women can be vicious creatures.  Obviously not all of us are spawns of Satan himself, but y’all know damn well we have all had our moments.  I will admit first hand, that although I legitimately try to be a good person and be nice to people, sometimes I’m a judge mental asshole.  I’m working on it though, which is more than I can say for some women.


Lately, I have heard the words “Pinterest mom” a lot.  No one has said this meaning anything bad.  They’re just saying things like, “Your nursery looks like a PINTEREST nursery!”.  I have heard, “You’re gonna be one of those PINTEREST moms.” at least five different times.  I never took that as a bad thing really.  Well this week I read this woman’s blog about her take on “Pinterest moms”, and damn this woman was angry.  Basically the entire thing was bashing the moms that go overboard on the birthday parties, that do over the top Valentine boxes, and DIY halloween costumes instead of store bought ones.  She has so much hatred for this fellow mother because she made cookies from scratch for a bake sale instead of buying some from Costco like she did.  She thinks Pinterest has created some kind of “standard” and that if you don’t measure up you’re less of a mom.  I desperately want to choke this lady and hug her at the same time.


Look, I don’t set out to make anyone else look bad or feel like they aren’t “measuring up”.  Do we have to beat each other down about literally everything?  Some of us are just creative people.  It’s in my DNA.  I have always been this way.  I get it directly from my wonderful momma.  Pinterest doesn’t have a thing to do with it!  My mom was coming up with GENIUS ideas for Valentine boxes and helping me create one LONG before Pinterest was a thing.  I had cool, “outside the box” birthday parties because my mom’s brain thinks OUTSIDE THE BOX.  It’s just who we are.  I couldn’t give a shit less if you want to get a shoe box and let your child stick stickers all over it and take it to school on Valentine’s day.  Was your child super proud of it?  Did you help and have a great time together doing it?  THAT’S the point.  My mom and I spent good, quality time making my school projects and that’s what matters.  On Halloween, we usually had funny DIY costumes from things around the house.  I never argued because I realized early on that my mom was good at this stuff.  I wanted to be Britney Spears for Halloween when I was like 10.  Are you telling me that because my mom could successfully make me a microphone out of pipe cleaners that she’s a bitch for trying to “out do” the moms who bought a plastic microphone from Walmart?  For real?  Get out of here with that shit.


Pinterest was just a gift to all of us creative people because we can get new ideas and share our own.  It’s not a fucking cult created to make you feel stupid or incompetent.  If you can’t bake cookies go buy some, but that mom who made them from scratch… did you ever think that maybe that’s her favorite thing to do?  It’s just her hobby.  Maybe her grandma or her mom taught her, and she has always loved to bake with her son or daughter.  Don’t be an asshole, just eat her cookies or brownies or whatever.  You know they taste better than your store bought ones.

Is that the problem?  Are you pissed off because hers are better?  Are you mad that my kids Valentine box looks like a replica of Darth Vader, and your kid just covered a shoe box in stickers of Yoda?  WHO CARES.  Your kid will not remember the box.  Your kid will remember you guys together picking out the stickers and searching for the box you would use.  He or she will remember how much fun it was spending time with you.


As women and as mothers, we need to be lifting each other up.  We need to be more worried about raising our kids to be decent human beings rather than calling Stacey to bitch about Sarah’s oatmeal raisin cookies.  I want to raise a strong, successful woman.  I will do that by being an example of one.  If I buy store bought cookies, I’ll make sure to buy Avery’s favorite kind!  If she wants to make her Halloween costume I will take on that challenge, but if she wants to be a dinosaur that she finds at Target then dinosaur it is.  I just can’t promise I won’t jazz it up with some bows or something.  😉

Maybe I am a “Pinterest mom”, or maybe I’m just a creative mom who thinks outside the box.  Either way, I’m just out here trying like the rest of you.  I’m sure I’ll be hiding in the bathroom with a Hershey’s bar and a bottle of wine in no time!  Isn’t that where most of us end up anyway?


“Behind every successful woman is a tribe of other successful women, who have her back.”

news and nostalgia

News first right?? Welllllllllll, Friday I turned 32 weeks.  So I thought anyway… Turns out after an ultrasound that I’m measuring closer to 35 weeks, and my baby girl is already almost 6 pounds!  I about had an anxiety attack in front of the ultrasound tech!  I’m picturing a huge ten pound baby, which is fine if she’s healthy, but rest in peace to my vagina because ouch.  After the appointment my parents and I went to Lowes and got flooring for her room and my brain was in overdrive.  I’m thinking about everything that still needs to be done and wondering just how soon this little gal is going to actually be here.

Suddenly my heart just starts beating so fast and hard as I realize… Oh my god.  I’m ready to be a mom… I am ready.  No, her nursery isn’t ready but I am.  I’m ready to put another person before my own wants and needs. I’m ready for sleepless nights and complete exhaustion.  Im ready to kiss boo boos and wipe tears. I’m ready to wear spit up like a badge of honor.  I’m ready for this baby.  I’m ready to meet her.  It’s so terrifying… Knowing my life is about to change.  People have said I am about to know joy that I can’t imagine and I believe them. It’s just a hard thing to grasp when she is just squirming inside me.   I am ready to hold this little girl who has my blood running through her veins.


Lately I’ve been thinking about all of the things I want to instill in my daughter.  I’ve really been reflecting on my own childhood.

When I was eight years old I remember swinging on my grandma’s porch swing.  We sat out there and sang to each other all the time.  She usually changed the words in songs so my name was in them.  One of her favorites went…

“I love little baby ducks

Old pick up trucks

Slow movin trains, and rain

And I love Bailey too”

She did this for all of her grandkids and still does.

On this day we were swinging and I was singing LeAnn Rimes to her.   I told her I was going to move to Nashville and be a country star. Her response was, “you should baby.. Just don’t forget about your grandma when you get famous.”  I know now that neither one of us realized how important that moment was.  She just believed in me.  She completely believed I could do whatever I wanted, so at that very moment so did I.  I obviously don’t have a music career, but that’s not really the point.  Instilled in me, is the belief that I can do anything.


I’m trying to remember the age I stopped asking my mom to tuck me in for bed.  She did it every night, and I can’t remember for the life of me when I stopped feeling like I needed her to.  Every night I crawled into bed and yelled for her.  She tucked the covers around me, and some nights she would sing,

“You are my sunshine

my only sunshine

you make me happy

when skies are gray

you’ll never know dear

how much I love you

so please don’t take my sunshine away”

My favorite part of this little ritual we shared was some nights she would let me choose which music style she would sing the song in. Country, rock, or opera it didn’t matter I would choose, and she would sing it that way.   I would laugh my ass off.  No matter how she sang it I fell asleep with a smile.

Perhaps the only time my ability to sing on key will come in handy is when I’m singing those same words to my girl, but I hope that instilled in her is the knowledge that I will always tuck her in if she wants me to.  I will always be a place of comfort for her to run to when the world gets to be too much.  I hope she knows that she IS the sunshine in my day, and my love for her is never ending.  I can’t wait to give her the memories she will look back on one day!

xo.

mondays and moms

Am I the only freak in existence that actually ENJOYS that “Monday morning” feeling?  I love it.  I have a small do to list next to my computer, and I add to it throughout the week.  Monday’s I’m usually sitting here, drinking coffee, and telling myself I’ll get through almost the entire list.  It’s usually Wednesday’s or Thursday’s I don’t enjoy as much because I am having that “oh shit” moment when I realize I didn’t get as much done as I planned.   It’s the same every week, but hey at least I’m setting goals and trying to accomplish them.  They’ll get done eventually.


This week’s list includes:

finish final edits of photoshoots

deliver product

get nursery painted

get crib put together

buy mother’s day cards

3d ultrasound friday

prom photos saturday


Even typing that list I still find myself wanting to add to it.  I need to finish reading this vaccination book, and also put all of Avery’s clothes into her finally finished dresser.  If I get three to four things crossed off that list I will consider this week a success.  I am an overachiever, but I don’t go to hard on myself for not accomplishing everything.  I’m not super woman.  Speaking of SUPER WOMEN…


Sunday is Mother’s Day.  So of course I’m feeling emotional.  Emotional and thankful.  So many of you are amazing moms, and it’s so intimidating.  Yesterday, I was sitting in Avery’s empty nursery which happens to be my former high school bedroom.  I also happened to be sitting in the same rocking chair that my mom rocked me in.  My dad’s mom, Nancy, bought it for her when she was pregnant with me.  I don’t remember my grandma Nan.  She died right before my first birthday, but I am told all the time how much she loved me.  Is it weird that I feel like I can feel her love?  There is something so poetic and beautiful there.  Anyway, I’m just sitting there looking around feeling so nostalgic.  Suddenly my very pregnant self wanted to burst into tears.  I didn’t want to cry for any reason other than how blessed and lucky I am.  My mom helped me pack away things I didn’t need right now, and my dad carried them off to store them.  I watched my dad tear up old carpet, and my mom went to buy paint.  They just did this stuff without any reservations.  It wasn’t a question to them, that they wanted to be here and support and help me.  No, being 24 and living at home isn’t every girls dream, but how amazingly blessed am I that in my situation this is an option for me?  They have never made me feel like I was in the way.  After a divorce and a horrible break up – I come with a lot of baggage…..literally.  I have more stuff than I know what to do with!  For the past few years they have just taken everything in stride and told me that things are going to be fine, and they are right.  Every time I have felt like a failure whether it be with my marriage or now with my family, they have pushed me to do what is best for myself.  I can 100% say without a doubt that I would not make it without my parents.


I look down and rub my tummy and wonder what kind of mom I will be.  Of course I want to be more than a good mom.  I want so much for Avery.  Growing up happy is not something to take for granted.  My mom faced battles when I was growing up that I didn’t even know about, but she still made my childhood everything I could ever hope for.  She might not realize it, but I remember the small things as well as the big.  On St. Patricks day she turned my cereal milk green.  She left me notes in my lunchbox that always made me giggle.  She sent me flowers to school for NOT winning something.  This woman can drive me nuts, and we can fight like no other, but at same time she is my best friend.  The impact she has made on my life simply by being an amazing mom is something I will hold in my heart forever.  I admire this woman more than anyone knows.

If you are lucky enough to still have your mom in your life go hug her, tell her you love the shit out of her, and let her know she is appreciated.  Family is everything, and I am so thankful to be blessed with mine.  You don’t realize how important a happy childhood is, until you’re all grown up and thankful you have those memories to hold onto no matter where the rest of your life takes you.  Thank you mom, for giving me a wonderful example to follow in raising my own daughter.

 

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“There are moments I know I will long for, even as I live them.” -Judith Katzir

xo.

WWBD?

I’m laughing.  I am laughing so damn hard.  You guys, you don’t even know.  I’m going to tell you why I’m laughing, but first let me rewind a bit…


So everyday is different right?  Some days, like yesterday for example, are wonderful.  I woke up feeling like I can take on the world.  I can do damn near anything I want.  Then, there are days like today.  I woke up so pissed off.  I sat down here, turned on Beyonce’s new album, and I just went to town on this keyboard.  Angry typing my feelings away.  I didn’t hold back.  I said everything I was feeling.  Now, don’t get me wrong I am all about sharing exactly how I am feeling.  I don’t want you guys to think, “Well Bailey, you are supposed to be ‘uncensored’.”   You’re right.  I am a very uncensored person, and I hope you all know that I do share my uncensored and raw thoughts and feelings with you.  Aside from being uncensored though, I strive to also be graceful.  Hence the name, gracefullyuncensored.  Basically, I want to share my thoughts in a funny and real way while still staying true to the person that I am.  The reason I angry typed those words was simply to make myself feel better.  I knew the entire time I was writing them that they would never reach your eyes.  I’m okay with that.  Those words weren’t ME.  They were how I was feeling ten minutes ago.  They were very Carrie Underwood with a louisville slugger in her black cadillac meets Miranda Lambert holding a smoking gun and a gallon on kerosene.    Bitches be crazy.

Anyway, I write all these words right?  They are actually really good.  So I’m sitting here staring at them and reading them over and over wishing that everyone could read the truth of what I really want to say.  I’m sitting here pondering what to do.  Is there a way I can tone down the crazy and get these words out there?  Nope.  Should I just post this and not care about anyone’s feelings?  What should I do?  Now here’s why I instantly started laughing my ass off.  As I am sitting here thinking, “What should I do?” I look up, and hanging right above my computer is this…..

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WWBD?  What would Beyonce do?

Mind you, I am sitting here listening to her new album which is basically entirely about being lied to and cheated on.  She puts Jay Z on BLAST.  In the video for “Hold Up” she literally walks through the streets just bashing in car windows and laughing.  Let me share some of the lyrics for yall…

Can’t you see there’s no other man above you?
What a wicked way to treat the girl that loves you
Hold up, they don’t love you like I love you
Oh now they don’t love you like I love you

Something don’t feel right
Cause it ain’t right
Especially comin’ up after midnight
I smell your secret, and I’m not too perfect
To ever feel this worthless
How did it come down to this?
Going through your call list
I don’t wanna lose my pride, but I’ma fuck me up a bitch
Know that I kept it sexy and know I kept it fun
Something that I’m missing might be my head for one

What’s worse, lookin’ jealous or crazy?
Jealous and crazy…
Or like been walked all over lately, walked all over lately
I’d rather be crazy…

So this song is playing, I’m wondering what to do about my angry words, I look up and see “What would Beyonce do?” right in front of my face, and I LOSE IT.  I choked on my coffee I was laughing so hard.  Obviously, Beyonce doesn’t give a fuck.  I shouldn’t either, but here’s the difference.  I’M NOT BEYONCE.  That’s why I was laughing so hard.  I’m not the queen of everything.  The reason I am not posting my angry words is because when I lay down tonight I will fall asleep knowing that I did the right thing.  Sharing the ugly side and the truth of my situation won’t really help anyone, will it?  I am going to fall asleep tonight knowing I did what was best.  While it would be nice for other’s to have the same respect, they are the ones who get to live with the choices they have made.  Props to Queen B, because it takes strength to tell the world, “My man cheated and lied.”  Her man is also trying to right his wrongs, and he is still backing her up.  Which is pretty noble in my opinion.


 

I’m proud that I know who I am and what I stand for.  I know myself enough to know that had I just said “fuck it” and posted what I originally wrote, I would have regretted it.  I might have very little respect for the people it was concerning, but I have a TON of respect for the family of one of those people.  I love them, and they know the truth as do all of my close friends.  That’s what’s important to me.  So I’ll just be over here belting out some new Beyonce tunes and keeping my hateful words to myself.

 

“I don’t have to prove anything to anyone.  I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world.  I run my world.” -Beyonce

 

xo.