that new new

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To say my life has gone according to plan is comical anymore.  Even my weekends don’t go according to plan these days. Four days ago if you asked what I would be doing Saturday I would have said working a closing shift, then going home to binge watch a series on Netflix and spoon my dog. Well here I am, four days later, and I’m sitting in a beach chair listening to the waves in Daytona. What is it about watching the waves that gets your mind pondering? I’m looking down at my swollen tummy, it twitches as my daughter nudges me. My daily reminder that I have something to wake up for everyday for the rest of life. Even on the tough days.
Sometimes I can wear a smile all day. I believe in my heart that I can do it alone, and some days I hold my head high knowing that. But there are other days. Some days my body feels like cement as I force myself to get up, I look forward to my breaks at work just so I can cry. I need to get it out just to go about the rest of my day. I don’t always cry because I’m almost 8 months pregnant and alone. Mostly I cry because I’m angry with myself for being such a trusting person. I’m angry that I always see good in people, that I expect everyone to do what’s right. And I cry because I miss him. I miss what we had, and where we were headed. I miss the comfort of knowing we had each other.  I cry because I don’t know him anymore.  I cry because I’m terrified. Terrified my daughter will have questions that I won’t know how to answer. I remember being probably 8 weeks pregnant and having this sudden realization that he could leave at any time, and it’s MY life that is affected. With fear I realized he gets to carry on and have his life continue, unchanged if he wanted…but no, that would never happen to me right? I remember talking to a single mom one night. She was bragging on her son, and her eyes literally lit up when she talked about him.  She mentioned that she loved every part of being a mom, but it just felt like something was missing. I looked across the room at the man I love, and I thought about how lucky I was that I never had to know that feeling. Our love was the one thing I felt sure of. I wouldn’t have to go through what she is……..
My stomach is jumping again like Avery’s reminding me she’s right here with me. She always does that at the perfect time. I like to think we are already in tune with one another. It’s about the only comfort that I have nowadays. My heart could actually burst thinking that the next time I’m at the beach, we will be probably be sitting in the sand playing together. She is not only going to make every adventure I have more fun, but she is going to make every single day an adventure in itself. That’s the mindset I want to keep. It’s hard though, because I look to my right and see a family playing together. A little girl maybe two years old, smiling up at her dad as he teaches her the proper way to build a sand castle. I’m scared my daughter will wonder why she doesn’t have that.  So I will do my best to be strong and capable and all I can be for her.  I want her to learn from me. I want to teach her that she needs to love every part herself and who she is because falling in love is never a sure thing.  Sometimes people only love a certain version of you. Sometimes people make you feel like you are worth less than you are, and sometimes people just suck.  The truth is, you can’t ask someone to care as much as you do. You can’t force someone to fight through the bullshit with you. You can’t make someone love you, and you can’t force them to stay.  If you go through life believing everyone is good and kind, that everyone will do what’s best, and that everyone else puts others first you will feel a lot of hurt. This is nothing new to me.
One day, I won’t have to feel this way. Even though nothing makes sense to me right now, it will all make perfect sense in time. I won’t always look at other pregnant women and feel jealous of the support they get.  I won’t always be pregnant. I won’t always be hurt. One day, I want to believe that I’ll come home to my tiny best friend and maybe a couple more. I’ll also come home to a man that has no doubts about where his heart is, or who his heart belongs to. There will be no lies and no fear. This pain I feel now will be a distant memory that will make me cherish the life I have. If I have a bad day every day leading up to having this child then so be it. Bad days wont last forever, and there will be plenty of them until my time is up. The last time I felt real heartbreak it was also very sudden. Like a slap in my face, out of nowhere. I came out a stronger woman for it, and it doesn’t hurt anymore.  I can choose to let this situation make me bitter towards love, but I know that’s not who I am.  I’m choosing to just learn from it and let it go. This is only the end of what I thought I wanted.  I will meet someone one day who makes me realize why I was put on this path.  Falling in love is terrifying, but it is also a hell of a lot of fun.
Perhaps when a door closes, instead of banging on it until my hands are bloody I should just nail the damn thing shut and move on. Move on holding the tiny hand of a little girl who will be the very thing that heals me and makes me whole again.  No, I didn’t ask for this version of life, but you bet your ass I’m gonna embrace it.
xo.

16 thoughts on “that new new

  1. YourFellowSingleMom says:

    It takes so much strength to be a single mom, I know, as I am one myself. You will rock it and be the best mommy to that little girl you can possibly be! Avery is so lucky!! It helps immensely to have a strong support system. I’m so thankful for my mom & sister for being my rock. Much love! ❤️❤️

    Like

  2. Casey says:

    I love you! That little girl is already loved by so many! You are so strong! Definitely stronger than most! There is something more incredible waiting for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ilene Garcia-Mehler says:

    I can honestly say I know what you’re going through, as I went through it myself. Not only was I 7 months pregnant with our second child when he left me but he left me with along with a 3 year toddler and nothing to my name. As I sit here now and see what I’ve accomplished not only for myself but for my girls, I know all the pain and heartache only made me stronger and strive to be successful as I held my guard up and waited a long time for the man I knew could and would do anything for me and my girls along with love us unconditionally. It will get better and God will see you and your precious gift through all the troubles and happiness. Just keep your faith and your head held high!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jensen McGinness says:

    We all talk about being “single” moms because we don’t have the support of the father or another man. Truth is Baylie, you’ll never feel what being a “single” mom is. That’s not an option for you with your family. They would never allow you to go through this alone! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Holly Pinson says:

    It was hard being a single mom with Hailey but look how things turned around for me. You will find your Uncle Jake too and Avery will have the family that you are looking for. Also know that we are here for you and love you with all of our hearts.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sonia says:

    You are surrounded by love and people that you probably don’t even expect are praying for you, loving you in their spirit, and sending you many good vibes as your heart can hold. You will be a wonderful Mommy and your village will be a wonderful family. As someone who was raised without a father, my village loved me and cared for me and blessed me with this wonderful life I live now. Your little one is so loved and she’s not even in the planet yet. Embrace the love and enjoy every minute! ❤️Sonia

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Mommyof2 says:

    Haven’t ever talked to you but ran across your story and was reading bout it I understand what your feeling I myself am a single mom of not of only one but 2 beautiful little girls that mean so much to me it’s not in anyway easy I currently work swing shift and over time just to make sure my kids have everything being mommy and daddy isn’t easy but when there isn’t anyone else to help u do what u have to for ur child/children I actually went to school with ur sister so I’m around her age well I’ll be 23 and I know if I can do it you got this don’t let anyone ever put u down or make u think less of yourself do what you have to for ur daughter make her proud where when she get older she can be like yes my mommy sure done the best she could and done everything she could to give me the life I have I push myself further and further just so my kids will be able to say my mom filled the spot for mom and dad and she still keeps goin strong and be able to be proud

    Liked by 1 person

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